all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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