Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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