i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
