OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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