my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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