I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
