i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
