who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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