i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
