basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
