rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
