Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
