Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We have so much sex to catch up on
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
