I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
