On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
