he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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