Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
