Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize