i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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