Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
