Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
