Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
