I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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