I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
