No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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