He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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