i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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