so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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