Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Oh god it's open bar.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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