Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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