Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
