We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
