Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
