First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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