you win again, gameday.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
two words...techno handjob
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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