I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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