Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
