A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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