Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
