i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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