YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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