god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
