Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
what day is it and did you see me today?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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