Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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