The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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