I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
