my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
