my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
