Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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