I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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