He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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