Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
