well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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