saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize