i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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