She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
