I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize