so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
