Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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