Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
