if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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